Sometimes life brings us circumstances that we can’t control. It might be so overwhelming that we feel like falling apart. And that one little thing on top what’s going on will be that last straw that broke the camel’s back.
We go from wishing to scream, shout and yell – to wanting to curl in a ball, cover ourselves and hope no one will find us…at least until someone wakes us up and tell us it was all just a bad dream. We might also have those rare bright moments where we feel like a superhero that has everything under control. Just to have them follow by huge moments where we collapse and feel like a complete loser, like there is no way life will ever be normal again.
I am not talking here only about the current Corona situation…I am talking about everything that might be happening ON TOP of it. Like that situation wouldn’t be enough by itself, right?
The thing is that in situations like that, where we lose our center, we are prone to hurt people that love us the most. Should we continue doing it day after day, we might lose them for good. And that my friends, would be the greatest loss of all.
Taking responsibility and control over your life, instead of risking losing the people you love
Do they stay or do they go?
In my practice, where I work directly with clients, I had numerous cases when it was ‘’too late’’. When they messed up their relationships, marriages, lost their children, parents or friends because they couldn’t cope with what was going on – for too long.
We all, undoubtedly, had those kind of periods in our lives. Some of us lost people we loved and who loved us back. Some were lucky enough to have those people stick by their side till the storm was over.
And yes, I know that you might think now: if they really loved me they would never leave. Really? I will tell you something that might shock you. Even people with the greatest, biggest hearts – come to that point when they say: ,,It’s been enough! I am out of this!’’
Because from their point of view it comes down to self love, self preservation and setting healthy boundaries. Sometimes even to a matter of life or death (as living in those stressful circumstances for longer period of time can lead to illness and in worst cases even death).
Why do you act the way that you do?
When we are hurt, just like a wounded animal, we will try to bite and attack everyone who comes near us – regardless if that person is our perpetrator or someone that cares for us and wants to help. We act like that because we are driven by our survival instincts, by our primal part of the brain, by fear and pain.
But, we MUST remember that we are NOT animals. We can engage our neocortex (or thinking brain) and distinguish those real threats from those people that love us. It is in fact part of the human evolution and maturing process. Basically – growing up.
Yes, I'm saying it: grow up.
I have been on both sides myself. I have been guilty for being the one that was hurt and thus attacking those that loved me most. And I have been on the other side too – sticking with someone who treated me really bad, only because I loved and chose to see only the good in that person.
Btw, I still see good in every person. And I always will. But that doesn’t mean I will stay and allow to be hurt and mistreated anymore.
So, what can you do?
Well, first of all: Admit that you have a problem. It doesn’t mean that you are weak. It means that you are mature person taking responsibility and control.
No, we can’t control everything in our lives. However, we CAN CONTROL THE WAY WE WILL ACT, THINK AND THEREFORE FEEL ABOUT CERTAIN SITUATION.
When you admit it and take responsibility, after a short period of adaptation, it will give you fuel and power to take action. Action like:
- making plans that are SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timely)
- and deciding you will treat people who love you and care for you with respect, love and care – instead of lashing out on them like you used to.
Then ask for help. There are people trained to help people in times of crisis.
Learn tools and techniques that will help you on a everyday basis.
Breathe. When you deepen your breath you switch your nervous system from sympathetic to parasympathetic. Which means that instead of feeling and acting like a lunatic driven by hormones of stress – you allow hormones like serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin to flow through your body, keeping you in relaxed state. In that state you can stay in your center and therefore think clearly and act from your heart. You are better towards yourself and you are better to those around you.
Start with 5 minutes a day. It will change you life, trust me.
6) Be honest
Also, instead of being passive aggressive, take a honest look at who or what is actually pushing your buttons. Why is it triggering you and what can you do about it?
7) Express yourself
Allow yourself to be heard. Step up for yourself. Apologize when you have to.
Say ”I love you” to those that you love. This life is too short to let it fly by holding the grudge or staying stuck in the victim mode.
Remember, there is ALWAYS SOMETHING that we can do. Let love guide you. Be kind to those that care for you.
Be grateful for good things that you have in your life. Trust me there is always something to be grateful for: start from basic such as shelter, food, bed, clothes, health, yourself, people that love you….
And remember that all this shall pass, too. But make sure you learn something from it and step out of it as a better person.
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